If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
