Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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