Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
