if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
