you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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