I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How external is "for external use only"?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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