if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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