i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
