I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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