Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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