Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
