I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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