I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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