So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
