As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
