You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
