Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize