I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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