My ATM looks so different sober.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
