I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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