So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
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I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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