if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
