either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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