Betty ford says i'm here all night
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
