it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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