I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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