I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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