Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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