I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
