My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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