Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
