Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
