The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
