i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
