there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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