Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
