My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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