im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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