My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
