why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
