I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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