you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
