Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
