I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
