we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
