I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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