Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
