I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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