then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
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I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
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I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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