Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
