Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
