Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
