see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
