I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
