Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
