I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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